Desperate

Ok, I know it's wordless Wednesday and I fully intended for just a picture post today but I have words that I need to type. I think I am desperate for friends! The neighbor T said that she would give me a call this week and since I hadn't heard from her I figured I would call her since I wanted to invite them over here to play on Friday since we've been over there twice. I've been cleaning and doing more organizing this week and I finally feel like the house is in good enough shape where I would feel okay about having guests. Well, they can't come, she has more shopping to do and then Christmas with her girlfriends and their kids. It hit me.....she has a life already with tons of friends and I just fit in now and then. Yes, I know I sound like a big fat loser. It kinda sounds like I'm chasing after a guy, which is even more pathetic.

Some background info about me......I love friends. It was so great living with others in college because I had friends around me 24/7. I also have several groups of friends (freshman dorm friends, friends from classes, friends from work, junior year dorm friends, Florida friends, and the list goes on). I love talking on the phone and getting together with friends so much. The problem lies in that my friends are now spread across the country, literally. I have very few that are near to me. My friend K is close but she has a baby and doesn't seem to like to make the trip down to visit. If I had it my way she'd be down like every week or twice per week and we would hang out, go for walks, talk non stop, and have girly time. Maybe that's what I'm craving, girly time.

I had to quit the play group that I joined because it was impossible to get to any of the events without a car. The ones on the weekends fell on days that R had to work. If you don't go to an event within the first month then you get kicked out. I decided that I would just quit because it was very apparent that I was not going to be able to make it to events. The moderator gladly removed me without even a response to my very nice e-mail. So I'm back at square one now and definitely feeling very low. I kinda want to cry right now because I'm craving friends so much. I don't want to be pushy or annoying with the neighbor because I know she has a life with tons of friends and really doesn't need a car less friend asking her every day to get together.

R doesn't really understand because he could really take or leave friends. He enjoys being by himself and doing things he wants. Don't get me wrong he has friends but he doesn't necessarily crave meeting new ones like me. He's happy with the ones he has and it works for him. I think this is why I'm having such a hard time with the stay at home thing, no friends. Even when I worked I would talk to my good friend all morning until the kids arrived, then we had lunch with a group of friends, and finally after school we were talking nonstop once again. It was daily interaction with girl friends. Sure I talk to my friends on the phone a lot and that helps for a short time but then it always makes me crave more. I'm constantly e-mailing and chatting with people, but it's just not the same as getting together with friends and spending time hanging out.

My days are filled with monotony and minimal interaction with people outside of R and Little man. We have our routine and play outside, go for walks, and do fun activities, but again, no people. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I feel like I should go to therapy just for the fact that it would provide consistent interaction with an adult every week, so sad! R is fun to hang out with but I want more than just him. I guess I'll eventually adjust, but damn it's a freaking hard and sad process. T the neighbor said that she would call me after Christmas so I'm just going to wait. So nothing unfortunately to look forward to this week :o( Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I feel so lame. Thanks for listening!