Wonderful Weekend!

I had the best weekend, no I didn't get a lot of sleep, or get to enjoy tons of outdoor time but none the less it was a weekend where I could focus on Baby M and my life. I had an awesome chat with my oldest friend (we've been friends since she was born, I was friends with her older brother before she was born, our parents were always together) Funny that she chose to call and catch up this weekend. She was in a similar situation with her boyfriend. He was miserable at his job and it was ruining the relationship. He was probably depressed and needed meds but refused to go to the dr. In the end, she moved out with their dog and got her own apartment. I'm so proud that she didn't stay in the situation where she wasn't happy. She hasn't totally written it off with him but just realized that she couldn't stay in that situation if it wasn't spectacular or at least without him trying and working through his issues. They are still sort of "dating" but she's keeping her options open. Now I didn't relay this story because I'm planning on doing the same thing, I guess I'm sort of envious because I think R and I could benefit from a break but it's logistically not really possible with the kids and our situation right now, but ultimately she took charge of her life and is doing what's making her happy. That's noble and I think it's really great she didn't just stick around in that situation because it was comfortable and too hard to move on. She's two years younger than me but in some regards much wiser!

After talking with her I really think that R needs a low dose of some depression or anxiety meds. He was on them in college and didn't like the side effects but they have changed so much. I think if he had a low dose of something that he would level out and we could avoid these really low times and his roller coaster emotions. It sucks that every time we go through a tough situation that it turns into how he hate his life, I'm the problem, the kids are the problem, everything else is the problem, except for the real issue. He falls into victim mode where he thinks that he's being paid back for all of his mistakes and thinks "poor me, my life sucks." It's really a text book case of depression, albeit not extremely severe, it's still serious. He stops exercising which is the worst thing that he could do because if anything exercising relieves stress and he sleeps a lot more than normal.

If there's anything I've decided or taken away from this weekend it's that I have to put myself first and make sure that I'm happy. I need to do things on a daily basis that make me happy and a better person. I can't control him or his emotions and I have to accept him for who he is, what I don't have to do is condone his behavior or be his crutch. I'm not saying that I don't want to work as a team and have a loving relationship with him or that he's not important but I've spent too much time trying to put him first and "help" him. Bottom line is that I can't change him or help him, he's got to want to do it himself. Deep down I know that he loves us, he's confused and unable to deal with this situation and is handling it very poorly, but I know he would miss us and be devastated if we split. My friend said something that really hit home. When she was planning on moving out of "their" place she said that she thought long and hard because it was such a big decision. She had to be prepared for his reaction. When she told him she was moving out he didn't want her to go but she said she also prepared herself for the outcome that he might say "that's a good idea" and not try to get her to stay. Since I can't control R I do have to be prepared for the fact that he might not want to try anymore and may want to give up. I can't try to change him or his feelings.

I'm not going to do anything rash or drastic, just see how he is when he gets home. I'm going to ask him for a time to have a sit down conversation but until then I'm going to work on doing what I need to do for me. I ran four miles last week, less than I wanted but I'm going to try to get 8 in this week. I couldn't run while R was gone because Baby M is too small for our jogging stroller. Today I'm going to the local La.Lech.e Leagu.e meeting at 10am. I'm also going to ask my husband on a date. We've lost sight of everything during this situation that we need to get back to reconnecting positively and working on our relationship slowly.

It's going to be a very busy week. I'm subbing on Tuesday and Wednesday so far this week and then I'm tutoring for 16 hours in the evenings. I've got to get a start of my week, there's also a lot to do around the house. Thanks for all your support and prayers they are much needed!