What's on My Mind

There are several things going through my mind right now and I'm to the point where I just want to get them all out, so read at your own risk.....

• I'm a little under the weather. It's been the first time since I've been working at this job that I've been sick and really it's not that bad. I have been getting head aches, feeling really tired, having a scratchy throat that's turned a bit sore, and just felt weak. Nothing too bad, but still I wish I had more time to rest and just get over it.
• I'm mad at my husband. When we met he chewed tobacco and then smoked and I didn't really like it but I would have smokes when I drank too so who was I to judge. Well since then he's quit chewing and smoking but when he's stressed or something is bothering him he starts chewing again. I'm pissed because he always keeps it from me and then I always find out eventually. Usually I say something and start a fight but this time I'm just keeping my mouth shut. It's impossible to have a conversation about it because it one of those topics that doesn't lend itself to rational discussion. What I really want to say is that I'm done paying for his bills if he's going to waste money that he doesn't have on that then he can figure out a way to pay for his stuff himself.
• My mom took me out for a nice dinner on Friday night. The kind of nice dinners that we used to be able to afford, and it was depressing. It was so freaking good but it was depressing. I was surrounded by people that looked like they were supposed to be there. On the outside I may have looked like I was supposed to be there but I sure didn't feel like it on the inside.
• I miss the times when we didn't have to worry about money and how to pay for things. I'm so freaking sick of watching my husband try to start his own business when I'm breaking my back trying to support the family with no help. I just keep thinking about that Aver.il Lavig.ne song Sk8.er boy, the girl dumped the boy and he eventually made it big. That's the reason that I'm still in this marriage. I know it sounds so sad and I'm probably the lowest person in the world, but it keeps my sane. I just keep thinking of how my husband might make it big by becoming successful and that I need to be patient and just wait for that to happen. Let me just tell you though this is the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my whole life. Every bone in my body wants to give up some days because I'm just so tired.
• I have no sex drive. (TMI, so like I said read at your own risk) I really could care less if I ever have sex again. I'm sure it's a combination of my stress level, resentment towards my husband, and the fact that my birth control needs to be changed. I have my GYN appt on the 15th so hopefully I'll figure some stuff out, at the very least I'll get a new birth control option. I haven't had my period since November of 2007 when I got pregnant with Baby M. It's really weird because I was on this same pill before after having Little man and I had my period and I didn't have sexual type issues but this time is a whole other story. It sucks, big time.
• That's probably enough information for now, if anyone has made it this far. Thanks for letting me get some stuff off my chest.