Indian Summer

I'm so excited about the weather we are having this weekend. It's going to be in the mid to upper 70's and sunny which will be so nice. R took Little man up to his parents house this weekend and I'm home with Baby M. Things aren't going very well so I asked R's mom to call and ask if he wanted to go up there this weekend. We both need some time away from each other. Whenever times get tough our marriage crumbles to the ground. R doesn't handle stress well and never wants to talk about his feelings. So what usually happens is that he keeps it all in until it blows up. This week was the blow up and it was nasty. It breaks my heart to see him like this and then to be on the receiving end of all the hurtful comments is heart wrenching.

I'm not so sure that we are going to make it. He isn't happy apparently with me and bad times just manifest his feelings. Back in 2003 I had moved down to FL to get a teaching position and we were doing the long distance thing. It worked for awhile but he's not much of phone communicator and I was having a terrible first year teaching so we broke up for awhile. It was December and I had flown into Chic.ago for Christm.as. Chic.ago is "our" place and we were having a special Christ.mas trip and then from there were driving back to MI. I broke up with him in Chi.cago, which was terrible of me but I was so confused and stupid. So we spent Christ.mas apart, but still went to see Mamm.a Mi.a because we already had the tickets. We left each other after Chris.mas on good terms.

It was sometime in early January 2004 and I raced home after work, changed and went to the gym to work out. After working out I got back in the car and checked my phone and I had a couple of missed calls from R. I called him back as I was leaving and he said "I mailed you a package, did you get it today." I said that I didn't get anything but that I was on my way home and would check once I got home. I pulled into the driveway and there was R sitting on my front porch. (I lived with my uncle in his condo so actually it was his front porch) Needless to say I had no idea he was coming and was in shock! He had flown all the way down to FL because he wanted me back. It was like a movie yet it was a real.

It makes me so sad to the point of crying that our lives have gotten so complicated and our situation has gotten so bad because I know he loved me back then and would have said kind, special, wonderful things about me, and I would have done the same. I just want the old days back. The days where we were totally in love and loved spending time with each other. I'm just as much to blame. I've turned into my mother and definitely have some of her bad qualities which don't work well in a marriage. I desperately want to be back to the person he fell in love with when the relationship was fresh. Part of me though wonders what my life would be like right now had he not shown up on my porch. Would he be better off, would I be better off? I don't know if we are good together. The people who we are today are different. When life piles on stresses and situations it changes a person and we've both been through so much and we're changed.

He says he wants to leave and part ways but I don't know if he really deep down wants that or if it's just his stress and frustration talking. He no longer likes the person I am and I have to say that I don't really like the person he's become in some aspects either. Deep down I love him because he is a good person. Part of the reason he is the way he is, is because of this family upbringing. He didn't have a good childhood and it's so deeply affected him. I had a fairly good childhood but have issues with my father. So between the both of us there are enough issues to keep a shrink paid for a lifetime. I want to be a better person and change so of my negative qualities but I don't know how. I've been to a couple of therapist/psychologists and haven't really had any luck. We went to marriage counseling and I thought we had made progress and were doing better but he says that nothing changed. Then the job loss happened and everything has gone to sh** (pardon my language). I don't know what to do and I have no idea where my life if going to lead. It's scary and so sad.

I'm going to use this weekend to reflect. I need to really think about things and our situation. I'm trying so very hard to stay optimistic.