R took Little Man to Best Buy this morning and to Whole Foods to run some errands (i.e. spend money we don't have). I'm trying to figure out what to do with my time off for the next two weeks. There are a ton of things around the house that I would like to get done:

• organize the pantry
• clean the refrigerator
• make a birthday card for Little man to send into Sprout so it will be on TV
• deep clean everything
• start packing up things we don't need and figuring out what we're going to sell
• clean out my closet, Little mans closet and toys, and take clothes to Goodwill
• organize my kitchen

Those are just a few of the things that keep nagging my mind. I also want to exercise everyday and start getting on my weight loss plan. I feel like a big blob and it's depressing me. I know I totally eat when I get stressed. I'm also kinda getting some anxiety about starting my master's degree. I'm going to be working full time, being a wife, mom, and taking 6 credits worth of classes. I feel like Super mom is going to be emerging soon.

I'm really getting pissed at my husband and his chewing tobacco nasty habit that he's started back up because he got turned down for a job last May. When we first started dating he was chewing and I kinda said it's me or the chew because I HATE it. My father chews and I hate that my husband is reminding me of my father. I don't have a good relationship with my father and it's amazing how much the statement about picking a boyfriend/husband that is like your father is so true. I am finding more and more ways they are alike everyday and it's making me sick! I don't know what to do. My husband is so involved in helping with Little man and he's a wonderful father. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, etc.... in that respect he is nothing like my father. Part of me would love to just be able to let it go and have the attitude that if that's his one flaw, let it be, but there is another part of me that wants to explode in anger and scream at him and tell him that it's me or the chew. I'm so torn as to what to do. I've tried telling him that I'm concerned about his health. I've tried ignoring it. I've tried being a bitch and making his life a living hell, nothing is working. I don't think it's fair that when I married him he wasn't chewing and I actually thought (stupid me) that he wasn't ever going to do it again. The main reason I thought that was because he thanked me a number of times for making him quit because he felt so much better and his teeth, gums, etc.. were so much more healthy and that he felt so much better. I'm at my wits end! I'm to the point where I want to start withholding sex and intimacy because I want to get back at him. Nothing is working and all I want is for him to quit.

This break couldn't have come at a better time! I'm so spent with my life and needed to have some time to relax and reflect and think about things. I am feeling very emotional lately and so mixed up! We're moving back to Michigan in 157 days with no jobs as of yet, and pretty much no money! I guess I'm most afraid of what life is going to be like up there. I can imagine things and play out this fantasy inside my head but I just have the worst feeling that I'm going to be so depressed and hate it. I HATE cold weather, the idea of not finding a teaching job, living with my parents and never being able to afford a house, worse, living in yet another apartment, and not having health insurance. I'm moving back for my husband. Don't get me wrong I don't think we can raise Little man down here where we are at, but ultimately we're going back because of R. I think I'm also afraid of what life's going to be like when he gets back around his friends and their familiar watering holes. I worry way too much and I wish that I could stop that! Well sorry about such a negative post, just trying to get my feelings out so they don't build up inside.