Losing Hope

Is this my life? You know how optimistic I felt about counseling and afterwards things went really well and now I don't know what the hell is going on. This week our therapist kinda called R out on some things so now he said he'll keep going but after thinking about our session he doesn't think it's going to work. He also said that I wasn't completely honest, when in reality, I totally admitted to something I said, took responsibility that I started a fight, and admitted that I should not have said what I said. I'm not sure how much more honest I can get. I don't know what else to do. I bring up issues that we've had over the past week to the therapist because I feel that they are important to our healing and points to discuss because they encompass our issues. It's not like I'm trying to make him look bad or make the therapist take my side. I don't think this is a side taking deal. The therapist brought up some really great points and this week yes, R, did get called out on some stuff. Does he not think there are going to be weeks where that happens to me? I was glad when I found out that we were going to have a guy for our therapist because I feel that guys are less emotional and that possibly a guy could be more objective. Also, I felt that if it was a guy at least R couldn't blame things that were said on some emotional woman who connects with me more than him.

I'm really trying to catch myself and identify places in our conversations and arguments where I can take a step back and ask myself is this worth it or is this effective. Last night there was an argument that was really, really stupid. I tried to diffuse the situation and stop putting my feelings and emotions in it, rather be more concrete. I feel like I have to turn into some subservient woman and just say okay and go along with whatever he says because that will at least make the marriage more bearable. That totally goes against my beliefs in marriage and my views as a woman, but I'm losing hope.

What the hell happened to the marriage and how the hell did it get this bad. Of course I'm the one with all the problems and I'm the problem 90% of the time. I try to just be "me" and be loving, kind, respectful, but why do I bother. I'm the type of person that drops issues very quickly. I admit that I was wrong, explain how I would do something differently to avoid future issues, and then I build a bridge and get over it. R tends to hang on to something for a long time. There have been plenty of hurtful moments that I have just accepted and stopped dwelling on because it's not healthy. I want to live in the moment and not hold on to the past for the rest of my life. It breaks my heart to realize that Little man is going to be affected by this in the future if he isn't already. I'm lost with what to do? I am a fighter and I don't give up when it comes to marriage. Divorce isn't an option to me because I believe that effort, love and understanding will get us through any rough point, but hell what do I know. I really don't know what to do.