Glorious Weekend & Personality Flaw

We had a wonderful weekend. Friday night we went to R's sister's house because he was running in a race on Saturday. R's parents also came so it was a family filled weekend. When we got there is was past Little man's bed time so we let him play a little and got him ready for bed, then headed off with SIL and BIL for dinner. We went to a nice place downtown and had a laid back dinner. Before we knew it time had slipped away and it was almost 12am by the time we got home and actually got in bed.

We woke up early on Saturday morning and the sun was shining and the temps were perfect for running. R's race started at 9:15am so we left about 7:45. He got registered and warmed up while Little man played on a playground nearby. R's parents and SIL and BIL showed up we all got to see R start and take pictures. He ended up taking second place in his age division and won a gift certificate to the local sports store that was a sponsor of the race. Afterwards we stopped at my favorite coffee shop (no coffee for me) for scones and a yummy yogurt/fruit/granola parfait. At 2pm we had a BBQ with some other SIL and BIL's friends and more of BIL's family. It turned out to be a beautiful day. They have a stream in their backyard so we took Little man's bath tub ducks and had a "duck race." He sure got a kick out of that and we adults had a fun time too. R's parents left in the afternoon and we just hung out for the rest of the day. After Little man went to bed we broke out the cards and ended up staying up until near 1am. I was so tired the next day!

We hit up our college town on the way home the next day because I had to pick up a car from my parent's that I'm borrowing this week and tell my brother good bye. He's going to N. Carolina for the summer. The art festival was also happening in town so we went to that for a little bit. My mom and brother were in town buying the gear he needed for his summer job so that's how we ended up meeting them there. We got home exhausted but had a great weekend. Our marriage and interactions went perfectly the whole weekend.

Yesterday is when everything started to fall apart again. I finally realized that we are so damn great together when all the pressure and responsibility is taken out of the mix, but the minute that is added back on, I crack and things end up hitting the fan. I've always been the type to put a lot of pressure on myself and take on more responsibilities or at least create unreasonable expectations for myself. That's part of what's breaking down our marriage. I can't meet the expectations that I'm setting and then take it out on everyone else and get all stressed and crazy. It's to the point where R doesn't even want to be around me and I'm just sick of being this way. It's emotionally, mentally, and physically draining! I'm ruining a great life because I bring this on and then take everyone down with me when I fall short.

I went to counseling before and never really resolved this personality flaw. I know it's not healthy and that it's totally unnecessary, but yet I continue to do it. I see what it's doing to my life but yet I can't seem to stop creating this mess. For the people in my life I want to stop this destructive behavior but I don't know how. I'm supposing this is going to be the topic of our session tomorrow. R is at his breaking point and I don't blame him. He's ready to give up on our marriage and this is pretty much the main reason. Why can't I just chill out and be happy for what we have instead of always freaking out about what expectations I'm not meeting or cracking under the pressure I'm putting on myself? I'm seriously in need of some serious help in order to save my sanity and my life!