Frustrated

I'm in one of those moods where I just need to vent. So here goes nothing......

• I have severely dry skin on my face, hands, feet, etc... and everything looks like complete and utter hell. My hands are bleeding all over because they are so dry and cracked. Not to mention I have this serious problem where I constantly chew on my hang nails and can't leave my hands alone. I've tried drinking serious amounts of water to hydrate my skin along with slathering tons of lotion but I just can't keep up with all the work that seems to go into keeping my hands or face presentable.
• I'm not getting enough sleep because I work so much and tutor online at night and just have 10 million things to do. I really need to start planning out every waking hour so that I can get everything done that I need to and still be able to get to bed at a descent hour.
• I don't feel like I can get ahead at work. Just when I feel like I'm making head way something comes up and I feel right back at square one feeling WAY behind. There are other things that are beyond my control and that really sucks because I can't control other people's actions.
• My boss has been promoted and that in an of it self sucks but what sucks more is that she had no say in who they hired for her position. The woman has no elementary experience and no experience with our math or reading series so I'm feeling even more apprehensive than I did. It just sounds like a crappy underhanded situation.
• I feel like I need someone to tell me "thank you" because I feel like I'm doing so freaking much and thanking people left and right for things they do for me and no one seems to be recognizing my efforts or the fact that I'm the one holding my family afloat right now.
• How long am I supposed to wait for R's business to get off the ground? I mean how long until I just lose my mind and go insane from the stress of being the only one who's bringing money into this family. The pressure is really getting to me now as you can probably tell by this freak out of a post. It's the holiday time and we have NO money. Every tank of gas and every grocery trip is going on my credit card because we can't pay all our bills on any given month. It's more than exhausting and I don't know what to do!

I need to get to bed I'll try to post something more enjoyable soon!

Starting a Business
I have so much that I need to update but this is a biggie.....R has decided to start his own business. Since he's had no luck getting a job he's decided to make one for himself doing communications and marketing. The only problem I see is that he's not making any money. I know it's going to take time but I would much rather he just keep trying to find a steady job, one that includes a set salary and health benefits.
I'm just so darn sick of this situation that we are in! It's noble to want to start your own business and I think R is talented but I just don't trust the economy right now and would much prefer something stable, though that's not coming around either. I'm so on the fence about all this, not sure what to think. All I know right now is that even though I'm working it's not enough and I'm really sick of paying R's bills. He brings up now and again that he covered stuff when he was working and I stayed home, but I am quick to point out that I online tutored and covered EVERY bill of mine that wasn't something joint. We would be totally fine right now if we didn't have the hundreds of dollars worth of bills that R has and he has not made any money towards them.
This has been going on so long I'm REALLY beginning to resent him and little things are really bothering me. I look at him and I don't even recognize this person and it's really hard lately to be happy. I'm thinking it has something to do with the fact that the holidays are looming and we have no money. I get up at 4:45am, get to work by 6:30, work my butt off all day, get home around 5pm or later on the two days per week I do tutoring, see the kids for a bit and then start online tutoring until I go to bed. I'm exhausted and I feel like just some recognition or a "thank you" every once in awhile wouldn't be too much to ask.
Sorry for my "Debbie Downer" post I'm getting it off my chest so I can move on an be positive again!

Online Tutoring

I'm sure I've mentioned that I online tutor in the evenings. It's great money for not having to go anywhere and I schedule my own hours when I am available. It's been rather frustrating though for several years because I'm stuck at one level and seem unable to move up and be promoted. You start out on probation and after 6 months move up to Tutor 1 status if you meet all the requirements. I started tutoring in August of 2005 and made it out of probation without any problems but I've been at the Tutor 1 status since early 2006. That's a long freaking time at one level. I have had several mentors and they all set goals, which I meet, but then there are always new goals, it's a vicious cycle.

It's really hard to be completely perfect 100% of the time. There are always places here and there where you mess up, or should have tried something different, or chosen a different method to teach. It seems like a mentor would look for something to discuss if it's an apparent problem, something that's happening all the time, or something that is violating the tutor handbook. I just feel like it's constant nitpicking. I guess maybe I'm not that great compared to other tutors or whatever but I'm just getting frustrated that I can't get promoted no matter what I do.

Shoot Me Now

I know I'm going to go to hell for posting this but I'm in such a impatient mood right now. We are going to be in the car forever tonight and if I have to listen to my mother in law IM me about what time we are going to get to their house or anything weather related I'm going to scream. R usually gets let go early the day before a holiday (well until this holiday) and it's 4:11pm and he's still sitting at work. Traffic is going to be insane and therefore we are taking back roads all the way up through the state of Michigan. We have to drive to my parent's house to get Little man and then drive another couple of hours to get to my in laws house. I'm guessing that if we get going around 5:30 we'll be lucky if we make it before the fireworks at 10:30 tonight. Everyone goes up north 4th of July weekend. Traffic is usually at a stand still on all the major highways, hence us taking all back roads. It can be faster but not always, so we'll see. I'm hoping maybe with the price of gas less people will be traveling.

My mother in law has IM'ed me sooooo many times today with weather reports, asking what time we are going to get there, telling us to call when we leave my parent's house, and the list goes on and on. I've really lost my patience. I know to bring warm clothes, I don't need a blow by blow description of the weather at every point in the day. I don't need to hear her asking what time we are going to be there (if I had a magic crystal ball that would tell me that I'd pull it out and quit wondering the same question). Yesterday I had to deal with her drama about not being able to find the kind of meat R wants for a dinner he's cooking on Saturday night. We told her a minimum of 5 times that we would just get it when we get up there, but I still had to hear about it over the phone, e-mail, and IM. Sometimes technology is just annoying, however, not as annoying as her.

The main thing I'm dreading is her reaching out to touch my belly. I HATE IT when she touches my belly. I have certain people (mainly close friends) that do it and it doesn't bother me, but strangers and her really, really bother me. Last time she tried to do it I put up my hand and stopped her from touching me. I don't quite understand why people try to do that. I don't reach out and try to touch them in weird places such as their bellies. Comments are bad enough, but then adding touching on to that, just ticks me off. While I'm on the subject the comments are really annoying too. The infamous "are you sure you aren't having twins because you are huge." Gee, thanks, that makes me feel good. How are you supposed to react to that? Some people really just need to keep their comments and hands to themselves. I swear they didn't learn the Golden Rule in elementary school, "treat others how you would like to be treated!" I'm pretty sure no one would appreciate me touching them on the belly or telling them they are huge. Sorry for my extreme vent post, I think I'm super cranky because I'm hungry!

Frustrated

I'm so frustrated about my situation in life right now. I wish I could either be the normal kind of stay at home mom that doesn't have to work or be a working mom. Instead, I'm in between and being stuck between a rock and a hard place. The online tutoring creates so much tension and so many issues in my marriage. I think it's the main source of our problems, yet it's the only way I can bring in the income that I need to pay MY bills. Right now I have to tutor around 9 hours per week in order to make enough money to just cover my bills plus the cell phones and Internet because that's my contribution. I was breaking up my hours and doing a couple each night but that wasn't working because I never felt like I got any nights off and then it really interrupted the middle of the evening. Also, a lot of time I would get stuck tutoring longer so I decided to change my schedule. Now I work one hour on Sunday nights and then 6-10 on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The time goes by much quicker doing 4 hour blocks and then I'm only really tied up 2 nights out of the week.

The new schedule is working much better for me but it seems like no matter what schedule I have it never works for R. That's where the feeling of being between a rock and a hard place comes into light. Last night he asked me if I was going to keep tutoring after I get a teaching job???? Are you kidding, do you think I want to torture myself. The only reason I tutored when I worked before was because I knew that I needed the job in the future, e.g. now when I'm unemployed. I had to keep it up or else I would have been let go and I knew that I didn't want to go through the hiring process again. In fact I thought that I would have been promoted by now and that's another reason I wanted to keep going because I could work less because I would make more money.

This month finally I am done barely getting by because I got my student loan refund. This just means that I have a little cushion so that I don't have to worry that my tutoring check won't get into my account in enough time to pay my bills on time. I'm not spending it on anything for myself or using it for anything other than to sit in my account and just be there in case of an emergency or to help me get by during the summer when my tutoring hours are cut significantly. Now, R wants me to use it for groceries, which is fine except he insists on buying expensive food items each week to sustain this diet that he is trying to follow (e.g. $5 cartons of egg whites, $4 cartons of V8 juice, $9 bottles of wine, etc....) I don't really want to agree to cover groceries when he's buying a ton of stuff that I don't use, which just so happen to be the most expensive items on our shopping list. I know this sounds selfish but I can just see my money dwindling down to nothing very quickly and I'm going to be cut down to 5 hours if I'm lucky this summer which means that I'm going to be about $200 short for my bills. Then come fall I'm going to have to start paying back my student loans. This is a big pressure weighing on my shoulders. It's not like R can cover my bills because he simply doesn't make enough money. That student loan money is going to have to last me during times where I can't raise enough from tutoring.

Well that's enough venting for now.

Maid

That's what I feel like. I'm getting so tired of always being the one that picks up every crumb, washes every spill, does most every household chore around this house. It would be fine if it were just me, but I feel like I have two kids because I'm constantly picking up and cleaning up after my husband. I can deal with cleaning up after myself because it's my mess, I made it, I should be the one who cleans it up, but cleaning up after someone else is really starting to get on my nerves!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I understand that I am going to be cleaning up after Little man because I'm his mom. He cleans up his toys but as far as some things go, he's just too young for the deep cleaning, or serious scrubbing that is sometimes involved with being a parent. However, my husband is old enough to do it for himself, yet chooses to leave it to me. I know he's busy but I'm really feeling resentful that just because I'm the one that stays at home I've somehow transformed into a maid. I feel like I'm always cleaning and could be focusing on playing and engaging Little man more than I am. It's so frustrating. R doesn't see exactly how much of a mess he actually makes. I'm more of a clutter bug so he claims that I'm the reason the house isn't clean all the time. What he doesn't see if spills, crumbs, tracks on the floor, etc... that he leaves around on a daily basis. He's just not a clean person.

The reason I'm getting nervous is because if I can't keep up with it now and I have one kid, what's it going to be like with two? How in the world am I ever going to survive. It's makes me so mad to see my neighbor's house because literally it's ALWAYS clean and organized. I want that because life is so much more enjoyable when the house is clean and I can focus my attention on things that I actually want to do. I do not know how to convey my frustration any other way with my husband. I've tried everything and it's now to the point where he just blows up at me because he's so sick of hearing about it. I just want to scream! Not only do I never get any recognition but I feel like I'm being totally taken advantage of by him. If only I got paid for all the jobs I actually have!

Will This Ever End??????

I'm sure you guessed that this is about potty training, what else have I been doing for a year that absolutely is going terrible??? Now I know we've had a lot of change in the past year and we didn't get a consistent start until we moved into our new house and got settled but damn, that was in November. Little man still won't poop in the potty, in fact he pooped in his underwear today. We've been doing a timer every 30 minutes with a sticker chart and after 5 stickers he earns a prize. This was working pretty well but then today he's had 2 accidents. He's been doing pretty well with the peeing but I really seriously am at my wits end. I'm seriously thinking about bagging my husbands birthday present to Chicago and using the money to pay for daycare two days per week so that he can get structure and see other kids potty training. What is so damn hard about this that I can't get my kid to get potty trained. I mean I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I feel like I've done EVERYTHING! I know I'm not the only one who is having problems because I read the Par.ents magazine message boards for potty training and there are a lot of moms on there with the same issues but no one seems to have the answer. They all say to try something different which I have been doing. The sticker chart seemed to finally be the trick and I just accepted the fact that pooping would come later once we got the pee under control, but now it seems like the novelty of that is wearing off. I have even made sure that I still give tons and tons of praise and am consistent with the chart. Little man's third birthday is on Sunday and I was really, really hoping that he'd be trained by the time he was three just because we've been working on it for so long. I know though, all kids do things at different times.

Long Day!

I'm on my own all day long into the night tonight because R has a meeting to for his stupid fraternity that can't keep a chapter going at our university. They keep getting poor leaders and then they run it into the ground and have to shut down. He's so passionate about trying to get it restarted even after he's been burned over and over by people, in which he throws his hands up, and gives up. He keeps going back, like a little lost puppy dog. As you can see I don't understand it because they obviously aren't interested in turning the frat around and making something of it. It just seems like more of a headache than it's worth. Yet he donates money to the organization and puts in useless time, with no pay off whatsoever.

The thing that really ticks me off is that the meeting just came up on Monday and it's tonight. I schedule my tutor hours 1 week ahead of time and I tutor at 7pm which means that it's R's responsibility to put Little man to bed because I start at 7pm. Now I vary my start times so it's not always him having to put Little Man to bed. He informs me Monday that he is going to be late tonight. Well that's great because now I have to rush and try to get Little man in bed before I start tutoring and it makes for a VERY long day for me. I thought it was work related so I said fine I'll figure something out. He never told me that it didn't have to do with work. So later I find out that it has to do with this stupid frat and I'm getting a little ticked off. He didn't even ask me if I had anything going on.

So I ask him last night if in the future he can not attend last minute events if I'm tutoring. I have no problem working my tutoring schedule around events but once they are scheduled I can't change them. He didn't like that idea and started fighting about how he never does anything. I'm like hello, when do I get to do stuff? So now I'm pretty ticked at him and vice versa. So what happens today. They call to let him know his car is done and miraculously he's now skipping his meeting to go pick up his car. Oh and did I mention the meeting was going to be at a Big B.oy, who the hell wants to go to a meeting there. Nothing against the food but it's not the most opportune meeting place. So needless to say I'm cranky, tired, and ready for a nap. At least my day won't be quite as long.

One of Those Days

Yes I'm actually posting again just to vent so I don't totally lose my temper. Little man doesn't seem to be feeling good today because he is crying and cranky about everything. He usually LOVES bath and he was screaming and sobbing because he didn't want to go in this morning. Then after about 15 minutes he was fine and playing. I've noticed his nose running and R has been sick so I'm not sure if he's coming down with something or not.

Lately, he's been only wanting to eat PB and J sandwiches and his response to anything you want him to do or ask him to do is, "No I can't". I know part of the problem is that I'm not devoting enough attention to activities and doing things with him. It's been hard since we've moved because finishing school work didn't allow for much time to unpack and get things organized so I've been trying to do it during the day with Little man here. I got a preschool curriculum book earlier this summer and I'm going to have to get back on schedule and plan things for us to do throughout the day so that he keeps busy and less destructive. He loves to pull out every toy in his room and bring stuff into the living room.

The house is taking up a great deal of time too. Yesterday we had an inspector come out just to be sure everything was okay before we signed the contract and we've been dealing with water issues in the basement. The water softener has hoses that are supposed to drain into a wash basin but my wonderful husband thought it would be a great idea to take out the basin because it was nasty. Which is fine but dammit be sure those hoses are put in something properly so they can drain somewhere other than the floor. Usually R is very good at fix it projects and handy man work but this time he overlooked something important. We are never down there when it happens though so we aren't sure exactly if that is the problem. Just things to deal with when you have a house.

I'll be so glad when we are fully settled and things are all taken care of at least for a little while. Making it through the holidays certainly will help. I need to get presents wrapped today and things organized in that department because they have overtaken my closet. Oh do I miss the days of Little man's 4 hours of napping through out the day! Ok there is my vent thanks for reading!