First to Post

Finally in my one online class that I usually put off until later in the week I was the FIRST to post my answer to my dicussion question today! I was proactive and e-mailed myself the download of the article last night so I could print it at work today. I started reading it when I got home from work and then finished after Little Man went to bed. I had a connection after reading the article so I figured, why not be the first to post, since normally I'm the last. I have a 6 page paper to write for Friday so I have a ton to do this week. At least now I have that out of the way. My one class is done in two weeks!!!!!! One down like 5 more to go after my second one gets done the end of April. The second class is going to be a lot of work because I actually have to go my research project so this will give me more time to focus on that.

Spring break is officially 4 days away and I cannot wait. The kids are so ready for the year to be over, but more so they are just ready for a break. They've worked so hard I can't blame them for slacking these days, however, we still have a lot of ground to cover. It seems like everytime we take two steps forward, we take one step backward. Just when I think we mastered subtracting with regrouping, we have a little mixed review and they all TANK it. Teaching really is a frustrating career.

So R and I aren't on super good terms right now. I've come to realize that he spends money and puts us in cruntches to get back at me for God only knows what. He enjoys getting back at me in a way that he knows really bothers me. I've decided to distance myself and withdraw to think a little bit. Not totally, just a little bit. I recently learned that he is in WAY more credit card debt that I thought and I really am starting to think about if this is something that I can live with for the rest of my life? It stresses me out so much and all I want is to be happy, taking money out of the equation. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck and I don't want to end up having to file bankrupcy before I'm 30. He's just a spend freak and I think it roots from his shitty childhood. I can't talk to him about money at all because it immediately starts a fight. I'm thinking of getting his parents involved but they are just as bad as him. I'm thinking of separating from him when we move back to Michigan. I definitely don't want to get a divorce, but he's not being fair to me or Little Man. We have debt up to our ears and all this stupid worthless crap that I don't even want. I'm not a materialistic type person and I think he brings out the worse in me. I know that I can get myself out of debt, but I can't do it for both of us when one person doesn't want to play ball. He doesn't see that he's ruining our family or trying to fill some void in his life.

I think it may have something to do with resentment. He thinks that I got pregnant on purpose 2 years ago and that is anything but farther from the truth. I thought we had worked through that and decided that we wanted to be together but he just seems like he's screaming for independance and justs wants to take care of himself. He wants all sorts of toys and who cares that we don't have ANY money for anything. We live paycheck to paycheck yet our combined income was nearing six-figures. What the hell? I'm definitely NOT a spend freak. I'm actually the coupon cutting bargain type person. I just don't know what to do. I really want to do whatever is necessary to get out of debt, but again it needs to be a two way street. My dream is to own a house someday and that is never going to happen if we keep on the way we are right now. He buys things and then lies to me about what he's bought. I'm so fed up with all this and I'm at the point where I just want to throw in the towel because it is easier than having fight after fight after fight. I'm at my wits end and I have no one that I can talk to.

Sorry for all you subject to my rants and venting. I'm not convinced that anyone reads this anyway so it's really just a way to get my feelings down. I'm trying to work on myself. I'm so unhappy and I think it's mostly because of him. I love him and he has some very good qualities, but I'm beginning to think that the negatives weight out the positives. Go figure this is my lot in life. I was so terrified my whole life of ending up like this and what's happening, my worst fear. I probably sent myself up for this. I repeat the same patterns all the time and I thought I had rose above trying to mold someone into what I wanted, but apparently I've done it once again. I'm really fearing what's going to happen in the next couple of months and I just hope that God gives me the strength to work through this time in my life. Thanks for reading and listening. I would love any comments that anyone has.