Life

If anyone had a crystal ball in my early 20's and told me what my upcoming life would entail I think I would have turned and ran. I would have ran so fast and far away from life. Looking back on the past 10 years I cannot even believe all the events that I have made it through and surprisingly I'm still alive. I feel like I should write a book on how to get through life when the rain keeps pouring down and will not stop. When you keep repeatedly getting kicked down. The difference between me 10 years ago and me now is that I KNOW that whatever life throws at me I can and will handle. I won't just handle it, I'll man handle it and kick it back to where it came from, trembling from even stepping foot in front of me.

I got pink slipped today. I knew it was going to happen before I even interviewed for this job. I'm not worried about it because dammit I can handle anything. This is not going to make me sad, mad, upset, depressed, etc.... At this point in my life I say "what else can you send my way," "bring it on!" I will conquer any task, feat, problem, event, etc.... I know that this isn't personal and I will cross the bridge and figure out what to do when I'm at that point. There is absolutely no sense in worrying or crying about something that I cannot change. If I keep a positive attitude and hold my head up strong, I will prevail! It's just one more mountain that I will be climbing in this hike that we call life.

What If?

Life's a Beach gave me the idea for this blog post after reading her post today about one of her ex's. My story is similar in some respects but a little different. I started dating this guy in college and when I say dating, I mean we went out on some dates, talked on the phone, and it was semi serious. Not so serious that we were taking each other home to meet mom and dad but serious enough. He was 2 years younger than me. I was going into my internship year (5th year) and he was not even 21 yet. This guy was awesome though, super smart, charismatic, personable and treated me like gold. He was also unpredictable because he was still into the partying scene and drunk dialing.

I ended up meeting R and I kind of just stopped answering his drunk dials. He was also black and my parents don't have anything against blacks however, they didn't want me marrying a black guy. It was a hot topic between us and one I'm still a little bitter about. Society is more accepting of interracial marriages but there are still issues. I can honestly say that I don't mind and I'm totally accepting.

Long story short we started talking again back in 2007 by accident. He randomly instant messaged me by mistake, he was trying to talk to the person listed above me on A.O.L instan.t messen.ger. Turns out he's doing very well for himself and he's still a wonderful guy. The timing just wasn't right. I do think about the "what if." We're great friends and he's got a pretty serious girlfriend now and I anticipate him buying her a ring and proposing any day. I wish him all the luck. I got to see him for about 10 minutes this fall at a football game and it was great. I can't help but wonder.

Ugg, I'm low

So things have definitely been better over here in my world. I'm really trying to stay positive but it's really, really hard. Here's a little about what I'm thankful for and the good things because I need to focus really hard on these right now.

• Baby M, who like I've mentioned isn't a baby anymore will yell out at the most appropriate times "what the heck?" He has the giggle, head tilt, and sparkle in his eye. I know it's that's it's definitely something that he picked up from Little man and isn't great that he's saying but it's so darn cute and makes me laugh every time I hear him say it.
• I got a sweet deal on the Leap.ster Explorer for Little man for Christmas, $49.99, originally $69.99 Ta.rget had it on sale for $10 cheaper and then I had a $10 off coupon. I was super excited about that!
• I'm going back on birt.h con.trol. It's bittersweet because we were trying haphazardly to get pregnant and it didn't happen, thank god given our circumstance. I feel like once I'm back on I can quit worrying and just have fun with my hubby.
• I went to my first cookie exchange on Sunday. It was pretty cool to go home with tons of different kinds of cookies. The hostess made everyone a really cool CD with all the recipes. I made yummy Or.eo Truffles for my cookie and they are to die for!
  
• I got to read today! Even though I'm home sick it totally didn't matter because I actually read a couple chapters in my book club book. I feel like with all my work that I never get to read anything other than student work. It was so nice to "get into" a book. Now I just have to carve out time each day to read so I can actually finish the book.
• My friend invited me to do a gift exchange on the 22nd. They found this cool website that allows you to make a group, put in all the names and e-mail addresses and then it randomly sends a name to each person of who they are going to buy for. You can also go on to this site and put up your wish list.
  
• Little man got his report card on Friday and he got all 4's (Mastered) in all academic areas. He got mostly 4's on behavior with just a couple 3's. We're so proud of him. He's already in a guided reading group and is doing awesome learning his sight words :)
  
• Christmas break is 11 school days away!!!! Our first day of break is the 23rd. It will be a short break but I want to enjoy every last minute of it!
  

I have to keep focusing on the positives because they are the hardest to remember and celebrate when life gets tough. It's really easy to focus on the negative things because they hurt so much. Here's to keeping my chin up and persevering!

Take the Good with the Bad

Glad to see that I have at least one person reading my blog still :) The end of last week sure did end up bad but Saturday totally made up for it! We had Friday off from work, if we were done with grades and personalized student achievement plans. I was pretty much done with my grades and worked on my student achievement plans Thursday night with my team (M and S). I just went in on Friday to finalize everything and get situated for this week. So I shoot our curriculum person an e-mail about an hour before I leave and then head out the door to start my wonderful weekend.....or so I thought!

At about 3pm, keep in mind this was about 11am when I shot the e-mail out, I get a call from S. She said, "we have a big problem." Apparently our curriculum person came into their classroom and ripped into them like no other. She didn't like the goals that we used for their personalized student achievement plans (which we worked VERY hard on the night before) and wanted at least 5 of them redone. The problem with the whole situation was that she was a complete lunatic and very disrespectful to them. I think her tone and mannerisms would have been different had I been there to stick up for everyone. They are both new and I think she was like the wolf going in for the kill!!!! I was and still am very upset with the way that things are handled on the part of administration at work.

I'm not okay with having personalized student achievement plans that are complete crap (though I still stand by my work and don't see an issue with what we did) so I ended up redoing all 25 this weekend, hence my bad reference earlier in regards to my weekend. The good part though was that I got to be on the sideline with a fancy pass at our college's football game on Saturday! I got to meet an N.F.L.. player that used to play for our team and got to ring the touchdown bell with my husband. It was one of those moments that I will never forget in life. One of those moments that comes in close behind marrying my husband and the birth of our children! It was so much fun and I will remember it forever!!! I will post a picture soon!

So needless to say the goal that came out of this weekend was that I need to hit the pavement hard looking for and applying for jobs so I can actually be respected and valued at work. Our team comes in early, stays late, and goes WAY above and beyond what other teachers at that school do. All the recognition we get is being disrespected and treated like crap. My plan for the time being....slap a smile on my face, act like everything is GREAT, and apply for every job that I can even remotely tie into my experience. My goal is to have something new by January 2011! I'll keep everyone posted on how my job hunting is going!

Ready for a Vacation

I have two weeks left of my summer and it just began. I'm really excited because I'll be in So. Caroli.na next week visiting my brother with Little man and my mom. I need a vacation. Things are really starting to overwhelm me and I just want one week where I'm away from here and not forcing myself to come in contact with reality. Here's what's been going on in my world. I'm starting off with the positive.

1. Baby M is no longer a baby anymore which is bittersweet but it's amazing how much he knows and is able to communicate. He's able to do so much and he's so darn funny. Tonight he rode Little man's three wheeled scooter down the side walk with one foot on and the other one sliding along the sidewalk making himself move. He was actually using the scooter correctly. On Tuesday he peddled his two wheel big boy bike with training wheels all the way to the playground. I had to guide the bike but he was actually peddling. I just love this age!!!!
2. Little man is loving day camp this week. They get to do so many fun activities. He really is getting independent. He's in a hard stage right now and we're having a difficult time right now but he amazes me everyday too with all that he says and does. He's so excited for Kindergarten!!!!
3. I'm going on vacation. We are flying and renting a car and staying with my brother. We are going to visit Colum.bia and Charl.ston as well as Myr.tle Be.ach. I'm so excited. All I want to do is relax and read and try to rejuvenate for this upcoming school year.
   

• Dryer vent broke and hubby didn't realize it. I discovered it when he was out of town on Monday evening. It was blowing moist warm air into our basement for God knows how long. It caused things to mold and mildew. I ended up sending a good deal of baby stuff home with my mom because she's having a garage sale today and tomorrow. Things got ruined and I was stuck here alone having to clean everything up. It sucked
• I'm slowly coming to the realization that we aren't having any more kids. I believe in signs and I'm feeling like the fact that a great deal of our stuff for a baby was ruined just seems like a sign. Also, I was going over our finances are we are WAY too far into the hole to bring another little person into this mess.
• I'm feeling really down because I'm working my a$$ off and I just feel as though it's for peanuts. We're still coming up short every month and I'm now trying to figure out how the hell we are going to try to ever become debt free.
• We thought we had our fourth grade team set for this year but they are changing things around again and might be moving one of the teachers back to her old position and hiring someone new. It's going to be tough having someone totally new because there is so much to learn. Guess we'll adjust and figure things out, I'm not going to worry about it.
  

Summer Begins

Summer school ended this past Thursday so I can finally begin my summer vacation. I will have three weeks of summer before we have to go back for pre service. Summer school was a breeze and I really enjoyed just teaching math. The kids made some great gains and I feel like most of them really are ready for 5th grade math :)

I'm going to fully enjoy my three weeks that I have left of my summer. We're going to Sou.th Carol.ina from the 10th-16th to visit my brother. My mom is taking Little man and myself so that should be a fun time! I'm really hoping to relax and get rejuvenated for the school year. I'm really starting to freak out about all the work that I have to do so I'm really trying to get some planning and stuff out of the way right now.

Last week the two other fourth grade teachers and myself got together to meet and just discuss stuff. We are all new and are all pretty unsure of the upcoming year. I'm not sure if I've disclosed details or not but we have a teacher that is coming from Kindergarten and one that's coming down from 6th grade math intervention and then myself. In addition the intervention teacher that's taking my job has yet to be hired. I am really pretty ticked about that because I really wanted to meet the person and hand them the reading intervention program that we are going to be co teaching together so that later on this summer we could actually get together for a planning session. It's not going to do any good to try to plan before the person has had time to delve into the program and just look it over. I'm not planning on going back to school until I absolutely HAVE too because I've been there for the past month.

So far it's been a really great summer but I'm looking forward to having some time off where I don't have to go to work!

Life Works Out

So after my major venting session last post my husband acquired another freelance job which will cover some of our expenses. It's so funny how things just work out. We celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary yesterday and it was very low key. He made dinner and we enjoyed some wine, just perfect. I can't lie, it would have been nice to be on a trip enjoying some much needed time away with just each other but it was still perfect. We're trying to take a step back and just reconnect as best friends and lovers. My job has totally invaded our life and really wrecked havoc. I'm really hoping that I can be better about leaving work and work and not bringing the whole family into the drama.

I've decided that I really need to train for another half marathon which is in the beginning of October. I feel so much better when I'm running consistently. I totally meant to get back on track this week but with the extreme heat we've had (well into the 90's with very high humidity) it wasn't ideal for running. Summer school started this week so I've had to be to work at the normal time so morning running is out and by the time I got home it was soooo hot. It didn't even cool down to a reasonable temp before I went to bed. I know it's an excuse but I wasn't trained for running in the extreme heat, however I have an idea that I'm going to need to get used to it.

Baby M has Ros.eola and has been a BEAR!!!!! He never gets sick and is rarely ever cranky for more than 10 minutes. I have never seen him like he's been the past 3 days. He had the high fever on Wednesday and Thursday and then broke out with the rash all over this morning so hopefully we're on the mend. His fever got really high, almost to 105 on Thursday so we were alternating Tyl.enol and Mot.rin and giving him Gator.ade so he'd stay hydrated. I'm hoping that we won't have to deal with any more sickness this summer!

My first week of summer school was great! I could certainly get used to working 7:30-12 Monday through Thursday and then only teaching one subject. It's so easy to only have to plan for math. I have 9 different groups of kids based on their ability but I am only planning three different activities per day because we switch kids so I can do the same thing the second time around. The kids did wonderful this week and we had a great time. We have three more weeks and then we're done.

I'm so excited that we are actually getting summer weather this summer! I love the heat and sun and I'm in heaven. We don't have air conditioning which has been a little rough this week but I can't complain. Last summer was so yucky and we barely had any nice weather so I'm really happy that we've had some awesome summer days so far. It makes winter seem so much more bearable when I have this weather to look forward to.

Patience

There is a reason why they say that "patience is a virtue." It's pretty hard to have moral excellence when it comes to being patient. I'd like to think of myself as a fairly patient person but how long do I have to be patient? I suppose it's a life long thing, just an overall classification of you as a person. I'd like to think it was situational, where in you can be patient in certain situations but maybe not have to be patient in all situations. Who knows what kind of patient I should categorize myself as, or maybe if I can even be considered patient in the least, but I'd surly like the situation of my husband's job to work out so I can quit being so patient because it's freaking exhausting.

I'm sure most of you know that my husband lost his job almost 2 years ago. He job searched for over a year along with entering a great depression, and then finally quit waiting for a job to fall in his lap and started his own company. I guess I realized that being patient with the new company was going to be necessary and I was just happy that he out of the depression and working his butt off on something. He's gotten one paying client and tons of really meaningful work that's gotten his name out there. There problem lies in that it's been about 9 months and he's still just had that one client and done some great work but it's all been without pay. Needless to say his bills are not cheap and I don't make good money.

I bring home less that $2500 per month and I have to cover EVERYTHING. When you sit down and total up all the expenses between a family of 4, it's anything but cheap. I'd like to think of ourselves as frugal. I clip coupons and spend tons of time aligning them with sales along with planning meals based on what's on sale. We cancel our Dir.ect T..V during the summer to save money because we don't watch much T..V. in the summer. We paid our car off early along with a few other bills to cut down on the sheer number of bills we have each month. I'm teaching summer school for extra money. The list goes on and on and I'm resentful.

I resent my husband for putting us in the situation we're in. I'm so tired of being poor and having to supplement our income by charging things on my credit cards. I don't want to live like someone on the show "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" but just have enough money to pay our bills and put some towards debt. I've been having a REALLY hard time lately because it just hit me that our plans of having more children is not going to happen anytime soon or really ever. We had originally planned on getting pregnant this fall but frankly, that's just insane and cannot happen due to our lack of finances. At this point it doesn't even look like our marriage is going to survive so right now I'm just trying to survive emotionally and mentally.

I'm really, really, really trying to stay positive and look on the bright side of things but it's been too long and I'm tired. Thanks for listening to my vent session!

The Past Week

Here's what's been going on:

• My throat feels like it's on fire and I can barely swallow :( I have a ton of post nasal drip but my nose is completely clear, so weird. Not sure if it's allergies (which I didn't think that I had) or something viral. Anyway, I'm contemplating taking the day off from work tomorrow because I have a long week!
• Little man had his T-ball kick off yesterday. He walked in a parade, had his pictures taken, had lunch with his team and then played his first game. He had a great time! We now have games every Monday and Wednesday for the next two months. Luckily they start at 6:30 rather than 6pm. They are only supposed to play 4 innings or for one hour, which ever comes first. He's still into picking dandelions but he loves it and asks all the time when he gets to go back to T-ball.
• I got blindsided last week on Thursday because apparently a substitute for one of my teachers had to leave early and they were planning on me subbing, only no one ever told me. They knew for over a day and just failed to let me know. Communication isn't that hard in this day and age, especially with e-mail, I don't get it.
• I subbed for another one of my teachers on Friday and that was a long day! I was beginning to not feel good and I was talking all day long. That's the part I totally forgot about being a classroom teacher. You are using an above normal voice to a group of over 20 students, ALL DAY LONG! I guess I'd better get used to it since they are moving me back into the classroom next year :(
• We have parent teacher conferences this week so I have to work late on Wednesday until 8pm. The nice thing is that we only have to have conferences with the low kids or the kids who need to come to summer school. Which means the teachers don't have to do as many, but those are all my kids because I have all the low ones. If we get all the conferences done on Wednesday then we get to take Thursday off. On Friday, we have professional development all day long.
• I think I'm going to go to the chiropractor this week for the first time in my life. My back and neck have really, really been bothering me and so I'm just going to give it a try.
• I missed my run today for the first time since I started training over 5 weeks ago. I'm really disappointed but I knew that it wouldn't be smart to push my body when it's already weak and I'm feeling like crap.

That's been what's been going on in a nutshell.

What's on My Mind

There are several things going through my mind right now and I'm to the point where I just want to get them all out, so read at your own risk.....

• I'm a little under the weather. It's been the first time since I've been working at this job that I've been sick and really it's not that bad. I have been getting head aches, feeling really tired, having a scratchy throat that's turned a bit sore, and just felt weak. Nothing too bad, but still I wish I had more time to rest and just get over it.
• I'm mad at my husband. When we met he chewed tobacco and then smoked and I didn't really like it but I would have smokes when I drank too so who was I to judge. Well since then he's quit chewing and smoking but when he's stressed or something is bothering him he starts chewing again. I'm pissed because he always keeps it from me and then I always find out eventually. Usually I say something and start a fight but this time I'm just keeping my mouth shut. It's impossible to have a conversation about it because it one of those topics that doesn't lend itself to rational discussion. What I really want to say is that I'm done paying for his bills if he's going to waste money that he doesn't have on that then he can figure out a way to pay for his stuff himself.
• My mom took me out for a nice dinner on Friday night. The kind of nice dinners that we used to be able to afford, and it was depressing. It was so freaking good but it was depressing. I was surrounded by people that looked like they were supposed to be there. On the outside I may have looked like I was supposed to be there but I sure didn't feel like it on the inside.
• I miss the times when we didn't have to worry about money and how to pay for things. I'm so freaking sick of watching my husband try to start his own business when I'm breaking my back trying to support the family with no help. I just keep thinking about that Aver.il Lavig.ne song Sk8.er boy, the girl dumped the boy and he eventually made it big. That's the reason that I'm still in this marriage. I know it sounds so sad and I'm probably the lowest person in the world, but it keeps my sane. I just keep thinking of how my husband might make it big by becoming successful and that I need to be patient and just wait for that to happen. Let me just tell you though this is the HARDEST thing I've ever done in my whole life. Every bone in my body wants to give up some days because I'm just so tired.
• I have no sex drive. (TMI, so like I said read at your own risk) I really could care less if I ever have sex again. I'm sure it's a combination of my stress level, resentment towards my husband, and the fact that my birth control needs to be changed. I have my GYN appt on the 15th so hopefully I'll figure some stuff out, at the very least I'll get a new birth control option. I haven't had my period since November of 2007 when I got pregnant with Baby M. It's really weird because I was on this same pill before after having Little man and I had my period and I didn't have sexual type issues but this time is a whole other story. It sucks, big time.
• That's probably enough information for now, if anyone has made it this far. Thanks for letting me get some stuff off my chest.

The Decision

So on Friday my boss asked me to leave my intervention job and take over at the end of January for a 4th grade teacher who is going on maternity leave. They would get a sub for my position and then everyone would return at the beginning of March. The problem is I'm just starting to connect with my caseload of kids and I'm making some great strides. The kids I work with are the type that don't do well with change and take a LONG while to warm up to people. They like consistency and I've grown to love them all. I would still have some of them if I take over for this 4 grade teacher but the one's that I truly love aren't in that class.

Secondly, I am tutoring 2 days and doing homework club 1 day starting in January. I know that there is no way that I can take over a fourth grade class full time, train my replacement and make sure she's doing EXACTLY what I need/want her to do, and do the after school homework club and tutoring. My plate is really full right now and I can't take all that on. I also can't give up tutoring and homework club because that is one of the only ways we are getting extra money. I can't rely on someone else to train my person because if I have to return to my job 6 weeks later there are certain things that just have to be done and content that has to be taught. It would pretty much be me making the plans.

Thirdly, I feel as though they shouldn't have waited this long to start freaking out about not having this worked out ahead of time. Also, the teacher has been telling the kids and the parents that the replacement is going to be someone they know because they had someone in line for the job but it all fell through. So the teacher doesn't want to look like an a** if they get someone off the street to take over that isn't a familiar face.

Lastly, the teacher and I have totally opposite teaching styles and I'm not the type of person to take over for someone and just go along with what they have established. There are changes that would need to occur and I don't think she'd appreciate me changing her classroom. I can't deal with disorganization and she's the queen. The room isn't appealing to the eye and I can't surround myself with a room that sucks for 6 weeks. The kids don't behave very well but I can deal with that given some serious reteaching of the expectations and a consistent behavior plan but I just don't think I'm up for this challenge at this time.

I have to let my principal know tomorrow and I'm just going to say financially I can't swing it because I can't afford to give up tutoring and homework club and I can't "do it all." I have to look out for my well being and sanity.

Reality

I know, I know I'm so bad about blogging now! Maybe it will be a New Year's resolution to try to post at least once or twice per week. I just go to thinking that maybe I need to stop blogging about our situation because I feel like after a year and a half that it's no longer a situation and more of our life or reality. So I think I just need to get over the fact that this is temporary and accept it as the way that things are. My favorite saying in the world is that "it could always be worse" which indeed is true so I just need to be thankful for what we have and build a bridge and get over it.

The holidays are totally sneaking up on me this year and I'm really not prepared. I'm looking forward to next Wednesday and Thursday though because I'll be able to spend both days preparing for the holiday and there's nothing more fun than spending the day getting excited for Christmas! I have about 1/3 of my shopping done and hopefully will be done after this weekend! I'm a little bummed because Little man decided that he wanted a set of Le.gos that is sold out EVERYWHERE! Oh well he really would be happy with any Le.go set so I'm not too worried.

I would like to thank Ally for the blog award! I'm so sorry that I didn't award it to others but times are definitely crazy! I really, really appreciate it though and I'm so glad that I have readers who like what I have to say. If I don't blog again before Christmas I hope everyone has a great holiday!

Things and Stuff

I'm working so very hard right now trying to stay positive. I know that's the best thing and I'm trying to repeat that to myself on a daily basis. My mantra "things could always be worse so be thankful for what you have is on repeat." Here is an update of all the things going on.......

• My old direct supervisor at work got promoted to assistant principal which left her position open. Administration just hired for her position from the person who was a leftover from the assistant principal interviews. She has very limited experience, in fact I've taught more years than her and she also doesn't have her master's degree. So in a nutshell I'm more qualified to do this job than she is, yet the position was never posted for us.
• The kids I'm responsible for didn't do well on the first round of assessments so I got called into my old bosses office today so she could inquire as to what I thought was going on. It sucked because I know that I'm not doing a crappy job but the numbers kinda show that I am. She totally wasn't targeting me or thinking it was my fault but she was surprised and wondered if I had any insight. It's exhausting trying to teach really low achieving kids!
• R still hasn't gotten any business since he's started his own business. He got sort of recruited for a job in our village but isn't interested so he's not going to apply. I'm just so tired of things.
• A woman at work actually brought two bags of toys for the boys for Christmas today because her husband got them super cheap. I am so very thankful but embarrassed all the same.
• Our kids are uninsured. We just found out today that the state screwed up and they don't have insurance right now. Dealing with the government gives me such a headache.

Does anyone have any suggestions about how to deal with things issues during the holidays. I'm trying so so so hard to keep a smile plastered on my face and talk myself into staying positive, but it's really tough.

Please Pray

At 11:59pm tonight the Mich.igan govt. might cut Little man's preschool program. I've been praying since he started, and fell in love with it, that it isn't cut tonight. We have gone through too much in the past year and a half and I feel like we just deserve this break because it crushes me to think that we'd have to tell him that he can't go back to school.

Oh and thank for the suggestions about contacting the principal at that school. Unfortunately, they aren't allowed to hire people and pay them less. Since schools have unions there is a set pay scale for the level of education and number of years you have, and they have to follow it. They ended up hiring a brand new teacher that they could pay dirt cheap. This really bummed me out and I am still upset because now I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever have a chance at a job in this district.

Passed Over

I didn't get an interview for that job at the elementary school around the corner from my house. The conclusion was that I have my master's degree. Who would have known that an advanced degree (one I pretty much needed to renew my teaching certificate) would be the deciding factor on whether or not they were going to interview me? I guess the budget is strapped and they would have had to pay me too much, it's easier to hire someone cheap. Mind you, I am close with all the teachers, actually I was recruited for this job (by three of the teachers), I know all the kids and spent a great deal of time teaching these exact students last year, and was promised by the principal just 2 months ago that if a position ever came up I would "DEFINITELY get an interview."

I feel like crap and to make matters worse my actual job is becoming a bit of a pain in the ass. I really hate when a break in life is so very close but yet things don't work out. I am so sick of trying to figure out how I can work extra on my time off to make more money for our family. The newest low that I am sinking to, watching my boss's kids on Friday night from 6-11. Gee, do I really want to babysit for three kids after I've been up since 5:00am and worked all day, you guessed it, NOPE, but needless to say we're going to be short paying bills so making money on Friday night seems like a viable option for me, one that is pretty much necessary. It sucks and yes I'm having a bit of a pity party right now, I'm allowing myself today and then after today I'm going to perk back up and pick my head up to move on with life.

Things on my Mind

1. Please pray for Ally! I hope you're receiving an outpouring of support and love right now!!!! Hang in there girl!
2. I'm missing Little man's first day of 4 year old preschool and it's killing me! Last year his first day was two days after Baby M was born so we all got to go and hang with him on the first day. Today the whole family is going to be there minus me, and the worst thing, I can't even see him before I leave for work.
3. The job posting closed yesterday for that 5th grade position at the elementary school around the corner and they haven't called me yet for an interview :( Interviews are tomorrow and Wednesday.
4. I have a staff meeting today and it lasts until 5:30. I have gym duty today so I have to spend from 7:30-7:50 with riled up kids K-5 in the gym. I have a bad attitude and it's bugging me. I need to stay positive but it's so damn hard when my dream job is right there like a carrot dangling in front of my face.
5. It's 6:14am and I need to get ready to leave for work. I hope everyone has a great day!

What's Been Happening??!!??

It seems as though I've fallen off the face of the Earth, that's exactly how I feel. Here is a little glimpse at what's been going on in my life.

• I received a call last Tuesday telling me that my dream job at my dream school is all ready for me to apply for, and I did. I know I have a job and that I should be grateful but frankly, it's not paying the bills and it's running me ragged. I leave at 6:30 and don't get home until 5 and for some reason this schedule isn't getting any easier. I'm praying that I can at least get an interview because I'm sick of not having enough money to pay our bills and not having insurance for my family. It would suck to quit my job now because there are some perks and things that I really like but this is one opportunity that I can't pass up. School doesn't start until 8:55am and it is right around the corner from my house. I used to walk there when I subbed. I NEED this job!!!!!!! There are several teachers at the school that are doing everything possible to try to get me the job and I'm very grateful.
• Our preschool that we've been working so hard to get started is finally going to get off the ground!!!! We found a building, sweet deal on rent, and now we just have to get all of the rest of our ducks in a row. There's about 5-6 families that have been working our tails off to try to start this because our children were in need of a preschool because the one Little man attended last year just closed it's doors with NO notice. In the mean time R and I did find another free preschool for Little man to go to because our income was so low and we're still sending him there but also trying to get this off the ground because the free one might get cut because of state funding cuts so we wanted to have a back up plan.
• I'm so sleep deprived that I walked out of the house one day last week without any makeup on and didn't even realize it until around 10am. I also have nearly fallen asleep on the drive home several times. I'm getting up at 5:15am and haven't been getting to bed early enough. This week I'm making a goal of getting in bed by 9:30 rather than 10:30-11pm. I am also going to try to be more efficient in the morning by getting my outfit and things I'll need for my day ready the night before so I'm not fumbling around in the dark and forgetting things that I need.
• My parents let us borrow one of their cars so that we could get Little man to preschool and R lost the key. We spent this whole week looking for the key and it literally has vanished out of thin air. I had to meet my mom half way today and get their spare key so that we would be able to drive Little man to school as well as run other errands.
• R is starting his own business along with still applying for jobs that he's qualified for near where we live. It's worth a shot because he really doesn't have anything to lose. His mom is paying for start up and he's doing a lot himself so hopefully he's able to make just a little money to supplement our income.
• R has begun getting involved in several different community organizations and has been so happy, this is VERY exciting! He went to a meeting about the economics in our community last night and after the meeting he was asked out for a drink (that sounds really girly, sorry) but a head govt. person and he asked him to consider running for city council. It's fun to see him excited.
• I've gained a few pounds and it's totally making me feel really fat. I'm going to start scheduling exercise into my day because it's just been falling by the wayside. It's amazing what just a couple of pounds can do! I've GOT to begin running again and begin my strength training, it's so hard to find time though!
• I'm dead tired so I'm heading to bed, keep all fingers crossed that I can at least get an interview for that job!

Letters

Dear Training Coordinator,
It was really awkward coming to a ritzy country club, driving by hundreds of thousands dollars worth of homes for poverty training. Despite the location though the training was wonderful, thank you!

Dear Water Softener,
Why did you feel it necessary to die right when we're trying desperately to get back on our feet? I do find it quite comical though that you and a bunch of your friends are all out for the garbage this week, gotta love subdivisions where all the houses are built relatively around the same time.

Dear Rock,
Was it really completely necessary to hit our window and create a divot/crack that is now spreading clear across our car window? I'm just so thankful that you hit where you did and that the crack isn't directly in my line of vision.

Dear Skim Milk,
I'm disappointed that you ruined a huge bowl of cereal this morning because you were mildly sour even though your expiration date was August 28th and you were just opened like maybe Monday. Thanks though for letting me figure that one out and not my child. (sidenote...there was one time that I gave Little man sour milk and I still feel terrible to this day about that)

What's Happening

Well I'm a little perturbed because I lost a lot of sidebar content when I was messing around with my template. I'm still probably going to be messing around a lot with it because I just got bored. I changed the name because not only do I love Count.ing Cro.ws but this month is pretty symbolic, it's the start of our new beginning. We can finally start new and leave the last year behind us. It really pisses me off because it was Baby M's first year but so much of it was stressful and negative that I really want to put that part behind us without forgetting that is was also an amazing year with him. So if any of that makes sense I wanted a fresh template, for a fresh year that's starting this month and I thought it was a fitting name for our fresh start.

On to more exciting news I'm a bachelorette this week. The boys (R, Little Man, and Baby M) just left for a visit to his parent's house up north!!!! They will be gone until Friday at dinner time. I'm so freaking excited because I absolutely cannot remember the last time that I was alone. I was seriously craving some "me" time where I can do anything I want!!!! The downfall is that I'm without a car, but it's probably a good thing because I know that I would want to go places that would require me to spend money. I still have to babysit Wed-Fri but I have today totally off! I'm literally ready to jump up and down screaming and cheering :) I love my boys but I've more than earned a little staycation!

I spent this past weekend weeding our pavers next to our driveway. Don't ask me how in the world they got so out of hand but they did and it was seriously eating away at me so I took on the project this past weekend. I probably spent a good 8+ hours but they look so much better!!!!

BEFORE :

AFTER:

I still have the seams of the driveway and the sidewalks to do but it's looking so much better. This has been one of those projects that I've kept meaning to get to but never set aside time to work on. I sometimes just look outside to admire my work because it's such a big difference. The next big project after the driveway and sidewalk seams is the brick patio out back, that's going to probably do me in!

I'm sure I'll be blogging more this week so I'll have so much extra time :)

Our Week

Here are the things going on this week as well as some of my thoughts

• Little man has daycamp at the local Y.M..C.A. camp near our house. It has been so much fun and they do some really cool activities. So far he's went swimming twice, went on a pontoon boat ride, went in a canoe, read stories, sang songs, made GO.OP, dug for hidden treasure, played with Play,-doh, made a bead necklace, and went on a pony ride, just to name some things! He's having a great week and it's nice for us to get a break from him sometimes too, change of scenery is nice sometimes for everyone.



• R had his interview on Tuesday and it went well, but like I mentioned before they ALL seem to go well. They aren't done with first round interviews until next THURSDAY! (why, o why do they have to take FOREVER???) So the earliest we would hear anything would be probably the 10th of August.



• I'm so ready to be done babysitting but we need the money so bad that I'm fortunate that I have this opportunity, though, several times per day have to restrain myself from beating my head into the wall. The little baby just cries all the time. The mom is pumping and giving breastmilk and the baby just has gas ALL the time. He just screams for long periods of time and my patience is running really low mixing that into our crappy situation, it's a recipe for disaster!



• On to our crappy situation. We don't have enough money to pay our bills. What are we supposed to do? Well actually it's R's bills that we don't have money for. I'm pissed because all summer he could have been working a minimum wage job to prepare for our upcoming situation but he didn't. He applied at minimum wage jobs but I think he should have beat the pavement a little harder trying to find something! I don't know how much longer I can put up with this situation. I waver between trying to stick up for him and being so utterly pissed off at him. It's a really crappy situation to be in.



• I hate the government. I've been trying to get ahold of someone for the past three days because obviously since I got a job the kids aren't going to qualify for the current health insurance that they have. I need to call and explain our new situation and probably fill out a new application for another program. However, if I fill out the new application without talking to someone then the application will automatically be denied because I have another active policy. Just a big run around :(

• I finished reading this book this week and it was really good but it also reminded me that things aren't really that bad and all that really matters is family and love. It definitely put things in perspective because one of the characters had cancer and she was only 31. I'm 29, it scared me. My mantra in life is "things could always be worse." I guess I really should feel VERY fortunate that all we're dealing with is a lack of money for a short period of time. All in all I'm picking myself up once again by the bootstraps and trying to plug along to brighter days, I mean our situation will get back to "normal" one of these days, at least that's what I'm hoping for!

Have a great weekend!!!!!!